The best way to make money and edit personal space is to take naked pictures of dolls.
I know. I’m a genius.
It didn’t start out weird (says everyone right before being arrested) – Kit was fully dressed when I took the first photo…
Household purges usually result in a trip to Goodwill, but I’ve recently made two life-changing discoveries.
a) no matter how meticulous my records are, my charitable donations amount to nada on my tax return, and
b) my sister is making a bonafide buttload of money on e-bay by cleaning out her closets.
I like money. I don’t like expensive purses I never use, designer jeans I’ll never get my fat ass into again, or American Girl dolls and all the painful tiny shit that goes with them.
You might recall my personal real life American Girl nightmare. Well now Anna is almost as terrified of the dolls as I was the day we went to the salon for DOLLS. Correspondingly, for the last two months all the AG dolls and paraphernalia have been stored in giant bins in the basement. We’ve come full circle. Kumbaya. Now it’s time to get rid of them.
Kit was up first. “Gently used bla bla bla…” I was prepared to select “publish item” when it occurred to me that I should make sure she doesn’t have any damage under her clothes. Do you know what’s creepier than unbuttoning a miniature cardigan? Nothing.
The disrobing revealed:
and this.
and this:
Yes, it says “pretty” across her midriff.
Clearly the “item description” on eBay needed to be revised…
“Item published” – yay!
I inspected the next doll for damage. She had gold teeth. Like a full gangster grill…and black nail polish. I have one question: what the fuck is happening in our playroom? I politely painted her teeth white, removed the sad manicure and listed her for sale.
Poor Bitty Baby was next – she had a giant gash in the back of her head. I didn’t even ask. I listed her, too, along with 37 instruments and music books, 212 outfits with matching shoes, hats and purses, pajamas, the salon kit, and ready? The arm cast, the leg cast, and the crutches. Because broken bones and being immobile are FUN? Maybe next year they’ll consider American Girl tampons, anti-depressants and rehab.
I was rolling my eyes so hard I almost broke my own skull when this e-mail came in:
I grew up with drug smugglers, so I’m suspicious by nature. I literally scoffed out loud – oh gimme a break, what a scam.
I know. I’m so warm. Let’s snuggle.
But then the nice part of me thought what If it’s NOT a scam. I don’t need this doll, or the $12, and maybe this lady really does. That will make a person grateful for a minute, eh? Besides, if he/she is lying, they’ll step in a steaming pile of karmic shit and the world will continue to turn because that’s how the universe works. I’m in.
Hooray!
I called my sister, explained the situation and asked for her help. She was just as excited as I was.
As the auction was drawing to a close I got an urgent call from her…
Sister (I swear too much for her to be associated with me): Someone just outbid me with $76!!! Should I keep bidding???
[I had no idea someone would pay that much for a busted ass doll. I was psyched!]
Me: Nope. Stop bidding and let the highest bidder have it!
Sister: Really?
Me: Really. New plan.
I used the proceeds to buy an American Doll gift card for $125 and mailed it with this note:
“Dear Cassandra,
Every mom deserves the opportunity to present their daughter with her own favorite American Girl Doll. I hope Camille has a fantastic birthday!
Big love to you and yours,
XO Molly”
My sister and I probably won’t ever meet Cassandra or Camille, but we are both moms, and we both have daughters. We know how special that moment at the mailbox will be for both of them. Imagining their smiles made my sister and I as giddy as the little girls you see in the American Girl Doll store.
This proves what we all know deep in our hearts: taking creepy pictures of naked dolls makes everyone happy.
