There’s a whole group of “bros” out there obsessed with My Little Pony. Yes, the animated series made for tiny children about a unicorn pony named Twilight Sparkle who goes to the magical land of Ponyville to learn lessons about friendship. These full-grown men call themselves Bronies and “brohoof” each other. They also wear My Little Pony costumes and attend Brony Conventions to eat cereal and play with little plastic ponies.
They’re fully dedicated to spreading the pony love with slogans like this:
Leave your balls behind and join us!
Don’t hate. Appreciate.
Wow.
Thankfully the BBC did a documentary so we could learn more about this phenomenon.
After watching it, I wasn’t satisfied I had all the information. Mainly because it just doesn’t seem possible to me that there’s an entire community of dudes in their 20′s wearing footie pajamas watching pink unicorns solve four-year old problems with taffy and cupcakes.
Lookit, I’m all for the magic of friendship, believing in unicorns and promoting love and tolerance, but I’m also concerned about this group of guys whose testicles aren’t dropping. After all, it is Movember – this deserves our attention.
So I looked into this fan club a little more, starting with the list of Ponies:
Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Sweetie Belle, Mrs. Cupcake and Cheerilee
Okay, I guess it’s true – these dudes really are just super sweet boys who love ponies and unicorns.
But then I scrolled down the list a little further and these pony names appeared:
Ms. Peachbottom, Princess Candance, Candy Mane, Evening Star, Peachy Cream, and The Great and Powerful Trixie
Um, those sound a lot like stripper names.
I continued down the list of ponies…
Happy Trails, Magnum, Hugh Jelly, Midnight Fun, Masseuse Pony Quake, Big Shot, and Score
Now it’s starting to make sense.
I think pot may also be involved. Here are some more ponies:
Half-Baked Apple, Apple munchies, Chocolate Haze, Cosmic, Jim Beam, Purple Haze, Smokestack, Screw Loose, and Screwball
Wtf?
Personally, I was happy to see there’s also a My Little Diva Pony collection:
Stinkin’ Rich, Filthy Rich, Hoity Toity, High Style, Pampered Pearl, Persnickety, Pish Posh, Jet Set, Upper Crust, Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara, and Prince Blueblood
But I’m concerned about the My Little Write-What-You-Know Pony collection (also known as the show creator went on vacation and it started out great but ended really poorly):
Bon Voyage, All Aboard, Sandy Soles, Sunset Bliss, Blue Skies, Sightseer, Storm, High Winds, Tourist Trap, Cold Front, Hard Knocks, Endless Clouds, Cloud Kicker
And finally, the My Little I Can’t Possibly Think Up One More Pony Name and I’m Starting to Panic Pony:
Wacky Hair Day and Spray, Hors D’oeuvre, Monochrome Sunset, Hay Fever, Whiplash, Headless Horse
Please reference the list for yourself if you think I’m making any of this up…
So what I learned from this little research project is Bronies are crafty dudes who hang out in the basement smoking pot and watching porn, and no one suspects a thing because they’re members of the sweetest cult ever invented. They’ve also taken the show writers hostage to insure they continue to produce the show, which explains the obvious decline in pony names. They’ve even created on-line chatrooms and communities like: Equestria Daily and Ponychan to corroborate their stories.
Bronies may be the most cleverly disguised cover in the history of brotherhoods.
Oddly I feel better now. I guess their testicles are fine after all.
