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Mercury.
Eva filed her nails into three distinct points so each fingernail looked like a mauve holly leaf. She was 90 and had a dead husband. Her wardrobe consisted of colorful moo-moos vastly improved by...
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Sheep in bad dresses.
In the midst of all the hot dog eating and fireworks, celebrating our nation’s freedom, I totally overlooked Laura Ashley’s 60th anniversary. Her daring design team is the one that created this...
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Playground Equipment is Nutritious.
Alfalfa sprouts look like hair. They may be “roughage” and have “more nutritional value than any kind of lettuce,” but they are also cause for unparalleled ridicule in grade school. Any grade. Every...
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Got Junk?
The group for the pin-up calendar photo shoot consisted of 12 friends and acquaintances. It was an 8-hour event we organized for fun and foolishness. Two days later I received an e-mail from the...
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Prada, I’m delighted. And concerned.
photo credit: http://www.prada.com The pink dress on the right is hotter than hot shit and I want it. I want the bag, too. photo credit: http://www.prada.com I also want this jacket, even though I...
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When shit hits fans.
I got this e-mail at work: As many of you may have heard, our friend (deleted for privacy) younger brother and his family (dfp). They did not survive. We would like to take up collections to purchase a...
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Murder and false eyelashes.
The paper read: Local Couple Runs Away and Joins the Circus! My father had been named the new the drummer for Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus, and my bombshell of a new stepmother had been...
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Black Box Warnings.
The very talented writer and famous internet extravaganza, Le Clown, invited me to guest post on Black Box Warnings. My post, Death of a Superhero, is featured today. “Black Box Warnings is a...
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I didn’t want my mouth to say that.
The anesthesiologist was putting the Michael Jackson drug in my IV when my doctor gave the surprise instruction. No one likes those in this setting. He wanted me to roll onto my side. I prefer to be...
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Testing Day Two: The Reckoning
I went into the hospital very happy yesterday because Monday’s results were positive. Or negative for anything bad, so that’s positive. The first nurse I encountered recognized me right away. This...
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Showroom Showdown.
Anna and I visited the local shrine to unattainable perfection on Monday. It’s called Pottery Barn for Kids, the beautifully lit showroom designed to make you feel like an asshole. I haven’t been there...
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The Lobster on your Chest.
Grown-ups should not wear bibs in public. Especially ones that feature giant clowny lobsters on them. It sends a negative message to our brain. Tonight I will fail. My food will defeat me. The...
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The Fiery Debate over George Clooney.
His personal character was called into question over dinner. It began innocently with the “hot and compelling” game. Some movie stars are hot, some are compelling, some are both. Naturally these...
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Queen of the Rings.
The first time I saw her she was waiting for her cue in a full-length lavender sequined cape trimmed in white feathers, and a tiara perched above her perfect brown cascading pony tail. The arena went...
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The Birthday Song.
It’s this dude’s birthday today. I sure wish he was still around, but I’m super grateful for the time I had with him. Coolest guy ever. Happy Birthday, Dad.
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Carnies’ Corner.
The internet mastermind, Le Clown, of A Clown on Fire, found my recent post Queen of the Rings worthy of Carnies’ Corner. I’m incredibly thankful for this honour (his fancy spelling). If you haven’t...
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Tongues and Nude Bikinis.
I might be the only mother in America who doesn’t think Miley should be burned and fed to Satan. I’m okay with it. I’m more concerned about Anna’s taste in music than the dancing that goes along with...
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When I swing past it with my ass on fire.
That’s when I recognize balance*. Specifically, Saturday before last I was in NYC doing classy things like staying at the Royalton, taking a fancy cheese class at Murray’s with the lovely Jennifer (aka...
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Hurricane Anna.
The category 5 kid storms always come at the end of the day… Anna: Mom can you come here please? me: Here I come. She’s naked and spread eagle on the toilet pointing to her vagina, “what is this part...
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My Teeth Have a New Boyfriend.
Nitrous Oxide should be plentiful in certain situations. Particularly parties, finance meetings, and dentistry. I’ve never experienced it in the first two, mainly because drugs are frowned upon where...
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